I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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