im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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