I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
