after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
