i just wanna soil my oats bro
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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