Me. At least after what I've been through.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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