we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
