I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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