the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
