FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
