Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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