Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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