I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
its liver damage thursday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
