I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
