We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
