NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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