Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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