All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
