I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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