Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Randomize