Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
