did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
