so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
