I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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