just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
