There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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