I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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