Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize