I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
