my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
