Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
