If i could tip my vagina, i would.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
