I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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