My first STD was from a foam party
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
