May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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