Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
