i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
