wanna go halves on a baby?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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