Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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