oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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