O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
