After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
