so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
