I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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