checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
