I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
