I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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