Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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