do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
