I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
