I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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