Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
