thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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