Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
