I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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