i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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