Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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