I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
