I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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