alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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