i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
